Are you really listening?

      Have you ever had a conversation with someone who appeared to be utterly enthralled by your every word, but when you asked for feedback they had no idea what you were discussing? If your answer is yes, than you have most likely been the victim of pseudolistening. This is when a listener gives off the appearance of being attentive, but who's mind is in fact far far away. Pseudolisteners will look you directly in the eye, nod and smile as if they are following your conversation completely. While they are imitating these listening actions, they are probably in actuality thinking about a fight they had with their wife, how at lunch the waiter gave them ranch dressing instead of italian, or that they're going to sue Tums for failing to treat their indigestion.
     As human beings we have a million different thoughts swirling around in our heads at any given moment. This means that if a neighbor is going into a detailed analysis of the weather, we will most likely nod to be polite while thinking about something else that interests us.
     I find myself pseudolistening often. A lot of times people will come up to me and start talking about a topic that I really don't care anything about. So I smile, nod, and pretend that what they are saying is the most interesting thing since Edison's lightbulb. The truth of the matter is that in my head they are talking about the score of the Lion's game, the latest movie to hit theaters, or how terrible Justin Bieber's music is. I think that when it comes down to it, most of us at some point in our lives practice the "art of pseudolistening." It's hard work trying to listen intently to every single conversation you have with other people.

I'm really sorry...

     We have all messed up. Chapter 8 gives three main guidelines that should be included in an apology. These include: An explicit acknowledgement that the transgression was wrong, a sincere apology, and some type of compensation. The book goes on to say that "an apology will only be convincing if the speaker's nonverbal behaviors match his or her own words." (Pg. 292) Imagine you lied to your mother and she found out about it. She demands that you apologize for the transgression. Now pretend that while you are apologizing you start laughing uncontrollably. Will your mother believe that you are truly sorry for what you did? Of course not! (Unless of course you have a dumb mother) The truth is that unless your nonverbal actions support your apology, your chances of conflict resolution become very low.
     When I read this section in the book it made me think about all the apologies I've given over the years. It also made me think about all the times other people have said sorry to me. I remember when I was in grade school, this girl who shall not be named would go around and kick all of us boys in the shins. I remember on Friday every single boy in the class went home with bruised shins. Well as you can guess parents called in upset and the teacher made the girl apologize to us. The interesting thing was that when she apologized she was rolling her eyes and her tone was very insincere. There were no signs of remorse to accompany her words. Needless to say none of us believed much of what she had to say.

Actions speak louder than words. If you are truly sorry, you
will show you are sorry with your nonverbal
behavior.