Can You Read Minds?

     Have you ever been involved with a conflict where you just really didn't want to deal with your own feelings? Instead of allowing your partner to express his or her feelings honestly, have you gone into a character analysis, explaining what your partner really means or what's wrong with your partner (p. 386)? If you answered yes to either of these questions you have most likely been involved with what psychologist George Bach has termed Mind Reading. This is a form of what Chapter 11 describes as passive aggression.         

     When I read about this idea, my mind was drawn to a rather awful relationship I endured in high school. One day I remember thinking to myself that the girl I was dating lacked some of the key ingredients I was looking for in a girlfriend. The main issue was that I wanted to have a relationship with a lady who was, well, nice. She apparently had the opposite idea in mind because to this day I have struggled to find someone who can get under my skin as much as she did. One afternoon I sat down with this dragon that was my girlfriend and told her I thought we should see other people. She than told me that we should not see other people and that everything would be fine. 

     I called my mom that night and asked how you break up with a girl. She asked me what I meant so I explained how I did it and the response I received in return. To this day my mom still laughs at this entire situation. She told me I had gone through the break-up speech correctly but that I needed to be a little more forceful the next time around. So the next morning I geared up for round two against the dragon. This time I was successful in terminating my relationship. What a relief! 

     The situation I have just described for you is a good example of the passive-aggressive behavior known as the Mind Reader. My ex-girlfriend would not let me break up with her. She tried to explain to me that when the words"I want to break up with you" came out of my mouth, what I really meant was that everything would be fine. Glad I dodged that bullet.

      Jay Roach directed a film in 2010 entitled Dinner for Schmucks that describes a similar situation. In the        film Paul Rudd's character has this crazy girl that claims to be in love with him and begins stalking him. Rudd tells the girl on multiple occasions that he is not interested in her because she is the definition of cuckoo. The girl responds to this by telling Rudd that he isn't feeling well and that eventually he will see how great the two of them are together. Not surprisingly, he never reaches this conclusion. 

     By behaving in this way, Chapter 11 tells us that "mind readers refuse to handle their own feelings and leave no room for their partners to express themselves" (p.386). We need to be sure that we avoid dealing with conflict in a passive-aggressive manner. We need to listen to what our partners have to say and also voice our opinion as well. By doing this we are nurturing our interpersonal relationships and working towards a faster and healthier resolution.

Is Lying Always Unethical?

     When I was in the 2nd grade, Pokemon was immensely popular. My mother hated the cartoon and did not want me to involve myself in it. I remember this boy who lived behind my house always invited me over to play, and he had a large collection of cards. One day I decided that I would give him money so that the next time he went to the store he could buy me some Pokemon cards of my own. As time passed, I began to gather a large card collection. I would keep them in my pocket at all times so they were never out of my sight. Everything was going great until one gloomy afternoon I forgot the cards in my pocket and they went through the wash. My mother found the Pokemon collectibles and I was punished. I had lied to my mother and I felt horrible about it. Now this was a bad lie. Are there ever good lies? Can lies ever be ethical?

     In 1993, Steven Spielberg directed Schindler's List. The movie is about a wealthy businessman by the name of Oskar Schindler who becomes concerned about his Jewish workforce who is persecuted by Nazis. He ends up saving over a thousand Jews. In order to save all these people, Oskar lies on a daily basis. Is this type of lying justified? Chapter 9 from our textbooks presents the term benevolent lies. A benevolent lie is "defined by the teller as unmalicious, or even helpful, to the person to whom it is told." Was Oskar Schindler's lies helpful to his Jewish workers. It's difficult to argue that it wasn't. His lies saved over a thousand people's lives.

     When I read about benevolent lies my mind was drawn to my personal relationship with my girlfriend of three years. What do you suppose would happen if when she asked me what I thought of the dress she was wearing I answered that in my HONEST opinion, it made her look really fat? I don't even want to think about what would happen to me. I guarantee you I wouldn't be the same man I was before the incident. This idea shows me that at times, lies can be beneficial to both the listener and the sender. However, lies that are told for selfish reasons are definitely wrong. There are times when you need to tell the truth regardless of how it makes you look.

Disagreeing Messages

     Chapter 10 tells us that disagreeing messages say "you're wrong" in one way or another. The important idea to remember is that there are good and bad ways to go about disagreeing with someone. 

The most destructive way to disagree with another person is through aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves attacking someone's self concept in order to inflict psychological pain. When I was in high school, I had a lot of noticeable twitches. I was always a nervous child. I remember kids used to call me names and make fun of me a lot. This would be an example of aggressiveness. The book says that "name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering--all are methods of winning disagreements at others' expense." It is important that this type of disagreeing message be avoided because it can lead to severely damaging another person's self-concept. 

     Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play 40-year-old, jobless step brothers in the film appropriately titled Step Brothers. There's a scene in the movie where the two of them are lying in bed for about ten minutes rattling off insults at each other. It's hilarious to watch. One says he is going to fill a pillow case with bars of soap and beat the other brother up, etc. Will Ferrell has made a lot of money by using aggressive messages in a comedic way. It is important however that in real life we are uplifting to others and avoid tearing them down. We need to leave aggressive messages at the cineplex.