Can You Read Minds?

     Have you ever been involved with a conflict where you just really didn't want to deal with your own feelings? Instead of allowing your partner to express his or her feelings honestly, have you gone into a character analysis, explaining what your partner really means or what's wrong with your partner (p. 386)? If you answered yes to either of these questions you have most likely been involved with what psychologist George Bach has termed Mind Reading. This is a form of what Chapter 11 describes as passive aggression.         

     When I read about this idea, my mind was drawn to a rather awful relationship I endured in high school. One day I remember thinking to myself that the girl I was dating lacked some of the key ingredients I was looking for in a girlfriend. The main issue was that I wanted to have a relationship with a lady who was, well, nice. She apparently had the opposite idea in mind because to this day I have struggled to find someone who can get under my skin as much as she did. One afternoon I sat down with this dragon that was my girlfriend and told her I thought we should see other people. She than told me that we should not see other people and that everything would be fine. 

     I called my mom that night and asked how you break up with a girl. She asked me what I meant so I explained how I did it and the response I received in return. To this day my mom still laughs at this entire situation. She told me I had gone through the break-up speech correctly but that I needed to be a little more forceful the next time around. So the next morning I geared up for round two against the dragon. This time I was successful in terminating my relationship. What a relief! 

     The situation I have just described for you is a good example of the passive-aggressive behavior known as the Mind Reader. My ex-girlfriend would not let me break up with her. She tried to explain to me that when the words"I want to break up with you" came out of my mouth, what I really meant was that everything would be fine. Glad I dodged that bullet.

      Jay Roach directed a film in 2010 entitled Dinner for Schmucks that describes a similar situation. In the        film Paul Rudd's character has this crazy girl that claims to be in love with him and begins stalking him. Rudd tells the girl on multiple occasions that he is not interested in her because she is the definition of cuckoo. The girl responds to this by telling Rudd that he isn't feeling well and that eventually he will see how great the two of them are together. Not surprisingly, he never reaches this conclusion. 

     By behaving in this way, Chapter 11 tells us that "mind readers refuse to handle their own feelings and leave no room for their partners to express themselves" (p.386). We need to be sure that we avoid dealing with conflict in a passive-aggressive manner. We need to listen to what our partners have to say and also voice our opinion as well. By doing this we are nurturing our interpersonal relationships and working towards a faster and healthier resolution.