Can You Read Minds?

     Have you ever been involved with a conflict where you just really didn't want to deal with your own feelings? Instead of allowing your partner to express his or her feelings honestly, have you gone into a character analysis, explaining what your partner really means or what's wrong with your partner (p. 386)? If you answered yes to either of these questions you have most likely been involved with what psychologist George Bach has termed Mind Reading. This is a form of what Chapter 11 describes as passive aggression.         

     When I read about this idea, my mind was drawn to a rather awful relationship I endured in high school. One day I remember thinking to myself that the girl I was dating lacked some of the key ingredients I was looking for in a girlfriend. The main issue was that I wanted to have a relationship with a lady who was, well, nice. She apparently had the opposite idea in mind because to this day I have struggled to find someone who can get under my skin as much as she did. One afternoon I sat down with this dragon that was my girlfriend and told her I thought we should see other people. She than told me that we should not see other people and that everything would be fine. 

     I called my mom that night and asked how you break up with a girl. She asked me what I meant so I explained how I did it and the response I received in return. To this day my mom still laughs at this entire situation. She told me I had gone through the break-up speech correctly but that I needed to be a little more forceful the next time around. So the next morning I geared up for round two against the dragon. This time I was successful in terminating my relationship. What a relief! 

     The situation I have just described for you is a good example of the passive-aggressive behavior known as the Mind Reader. My ex-girlfriend would not let me break up with her. She tried to explain to me that when the words"I want to break up with you" came out of my mouth, what I really meant was that everything would be fine. Glad I dodged that bullet.

      Jay Roach directed a film in 2010 entitled Dinner for Schmucks that describes a similar situation. In the        film Paul Rudd's character has this crazy girl that claims to be in love with him and begins stalking him. Rudd tells the girl on multiple occasions that he is not interested in her because she is the definition of cuckoo. The girl responds to this by telling Rudd that he isn't feeling well and that eventually he will see how great the two of them are together. Not surprisingly, he never reaches this conclusion. 

     By behaving in this way, Chapter 11 tells us that "mind readers refuse to handle their own feelings and leave no room for their partners to express themselves" (p.386). We need to be sure that we avoid dealing with conflict in a passive-aggressive manner. We need to listen to what our partners have to say and also voice our opinion as well. By doing this we are nurturing our interpersonal relationships and working towards a faster and healthier resolution.

Is Lying Always Unethical?

     When I was in the 2nd grade, Pokemon was immensely popular. My mother hated the cartoon and did not want me to involve myself in it. I remember this boy who lived behind my house always invited me over to play, and he had a large collection of cards. One day I decided that I would give him money so that the next time he went to the store he could buy me some Pokemon cards of my own. As time passed, I began to gather a large card collection. I would keep them in my pocket at all times so they were never out of my sight. Everything was going great until one gloomy afternoon I forgot the cards in my pocket and they went through the wash. My mother found the Pokemon collectibles and I was punished. I had lied to my mother and I felt horrible about it. Now this was a bad lie. Are there ever good lies? Can lies ever be ethical?

     In 1993, Steven Spielberg directed Schindler's List. The movie is about a wealthy businessman by the name of Oskar Schindler who becomes concerned about his Jewish workforce who is persecuted by Nazis. He ends up saving over a thousand Jews. In order to save all these people, Oskar lies on a daily basis. Is this type of lying justified? Chapter 9 from our textbooks presents the term benevolent lies. A benevolent lie is "defined by the teller as unmalicious, or even helpful, to the person to whom it is told." Was Oskar Schindler's lies helpful to his Jewish workers. It's difficult to argue that it wasn't. His lies saved over a thousand people's lives.

     When I read about benevolent lies my mind was drawn to my personal relationship with my girlfriend of three years. What do you suppose would happen if when she asked me what I thought of the dress she was wearing I answered that in my HONEST opinion, it made her look really fat? I don't even want to think about what would happen to me. I guarantee you I wouldn't be the same man I was before the incident. This idea shows me that at times, lies can be beneficial to both the listener and the sender. However, lies that are told for selfish reasons are definitely wrong. There are times when you need to tell the truth regardless of how it makes you look.

Disagreeing Messages

     Chapter 10 tells us that disagreeing messages say "you're wrong" in one way or another. The important idea to remember is that there are good and bad ways to go about disagreeing with someone. 

The most destructive way to disagree with another person is through aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves attacking someone's self concept in order to inflict psychological pain. When I was in high school, I had a lot of noticeable twitches. I was always a nervous child. I remember kids used to call me names and make fun of me a lot. This would be an example of aggressiveness. The book says that "name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering--all are methods of winning disagreements at others' expense." It is important that this type of disagreeing message be avoided because it can lead to severely damaging another person's self-concept. 

     Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play 40-year-old, jobless step brothers in the film appropriately titled Step Brothers. There's a scene in the movie where the two of them are lying in bed for about ten minutes rattling off insults at each other. It's hilarious to watch. One says he is going to fill a pillow case with bars of soap and beat the other brother up, etc. Will Ferrell has made a lot of money by using aggressive messages in a comedic way. It is important however that in real life we are uplifting to others and avoid tearing them down. We need to leave aggressive messages at the cineplex. 

     

Forgiveness.

     What does it mean to forgive? To me forgiveness takes place when you decide to let go of a situation in which you have been wronged. Forgiveness does not mean that you completely forget the transgression that has transpired against you. It simply is when in your heart you decide that you are not going to seek retribution and that you are going to move forward. 

     I believe the most difficult situations to forgive are those in which someone harms either one of your family members or someone you care deeply about. The documentary film we watched in class made a very interesting point when it interviewed the Auschwitz survivor. The man publicly prayed that God would not forgive the men who performed the heinous acts of violence to him and his family in the concentration camp. I thought for a long time after that about whether or not there are sins that we as humans simply cannot forgive. September 11 is the single most devastating event that I have been alive to see personally. I tried to put myself in the shoes of the families who lost loved ones on that terrible day. I honestly don't know if I would be able to forgive those men. I than thought of the Biblical story of Jesus Christ dying on the cross and how He prayed out for his accusers and asked God to forgive them. I feel like if I was in His place, forgiveness would have been the last thing on my mind. This idea I believe shows how powerful forgiveness really is. The truth is that in this world horrific things happen. We cannot do anything to prevent this. We can however try to move forward and help one another to rebuild.

     The easiest situations to forgive I believe are the simple day-to-day transgressions. My brother and I used to get into a lot of fights growing up. Often we would say mean things to one another. Yet after we had cooled down we would always participate in a sort of peace talk. We would forgive one another. These small spats are the ones that all human beings are a part of at some point in time and that we all should learn how to forgive early on. If we hang on to these insignificant squabbles, life will be a frustrating journey. The sooner we learn to forgive, the sooner we will find sincere peace.

Are you really listening?

      Have you ever had a conversation with someone who appeared to be utterly enthralled by your every word, but when you asked for feedback they had no idea what you were discussing? If your answer is yes, than you have most likely been the victim of pseudolistening. This is when a listener gives off the appearance of being attentive, but who's mind is in fact far far away. Pseudolisteners will look you directly in the eye, nod and smile as if they are following your conversation completely. While they are imitating these listening actions, they are probably in actuality thinking about a fight they had with their wife, how at lunch the waiter gave them ranch dressing instead of italian, or that they're going to sue Tums for failing to treat their indigestion.
     As human beings we have a million different thoughts swirling around in our heads at any given moment. This means that if a neighbor is going into a detailed analysis of the weather, we will most likely nod to be polite while thinking about something else that interests us.
     I find myself pseudolistening often. A lot of times people will come up to me and start talking about a topic that I really don't care anything about. So I smile, nod, and pretend that what they are saying is the most interesting thing since Edison's lightbulb. The truth of the matter is that in my head they are talking about the score of the Lion's game, the latest movie to hit theaters, or how terrible Justin Bieber's music is. I think that when it comes down to it, most of us at some point in our lives practice the "art of pseudolistening." It's hard work trying to listen intently to every single conversation you have with other people.

I'm really sorry...

     We have all messed up. Chapter 8 gives three main guidelines that should be included in an apology. These include: An explicit acknowledgement that the transgression was wrong, a sincere apology, and some type of compensation. The book goes on to say that "an apology will only be convincing if the speaker's nonverbal behaviors match his or her own words." (Pg. 292) Imagine you lied to your mother and she found out about it. She demands that you apologize for the transgression. Now pretend that while you are apologizing you start laughing uncontrollably. Will your mother believe that you are truly sorry for what you did? Of course not! (Unless of course you have a dumb mother) The truth is that unless your nonverbal actions support your apology, your chances of conflict resolution become very low.
     When I read this section in the book it made me think about all the apologies I've given over the years. It also made me think about all the times other people have said sorry to me. I remember when I was in grade school, this girl who shall not be named would go around and kick all of us boys in the shins. I remember on Friday every single boy in the class went home with bruised shins. Well as you can guess parents called in upset and the teacher made the girl apologize to us. The interesting thing was that when she apologized she was rolling her eyes and her tone was very insincere. There were no signs of remorse to accompany her words. Needless to say none of us believed much of what she had to say.

Actions speak louder than words. If you are truly sorry, you
will show you are sorry with your nonverbal
behavior.

You Named Me What?!

     We may not realize it, but what we are named plays a vital role in our lives. Chapter 5 says that, "...names are more than just a simple means of identification: They shape the way others think of us, the way we view ourselves, and the way we act." When I read this statement I thought about how my name affects me. What if my parents would have named me Samantha? How would that change the way I think and feel about myself? It is hard for me to imagine that I would feel very masculine if every time someone addressed me, I heard the name Samantha echoing in my ear. 

     Growing up I remember in grade school kids would make jokes at me because I had several nervous twitches. I can only imagine the types of comments that would be made toward a boy who had a "girl's name." From a very early age, we are affected by the name that our parents give us. It almost seems unfair that something that we cannot control, at least initially, plays such a profound role in the development of who we are. Wouldn't it be nice if when a child was born, he or she was given the gift of speech momentarily and could participate in a brief discussion of what names at least were off-limits? 

Don't You Dare Name Me That!!!

I Want to Be Attractive...

     Physical Attractiveness plays an important role in nonverbal communication. Like it or not, how you look matters. Chapter 6 describes that women who are perceived as being attractive "...have more dates, receive higher grades in college, persuade males with greater ease, and receive lighter court sentences." Now this doesn't mean those of us who have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down cannot be successful communicators. The book goes on to reveal that "as we get to know more about people and like them, we start to regard them as better looking." This made me personally think about the importance of a good personality. If people are friendly and pleasant to be around, all of a sudden outsiders begin to view them as being physically more attractive! This means you can eventually become "Brad Pitt's twin" by maintaining a positive persona and building relationships with those around you. 

Wanna Look Like Brad? Work on
Your Personality!

     Another way to become better looking is by using what you've been given effectively. Maintain good posture, dress nice, use friendly facial expressions. All of these actions can potentially increase your physical appearance. 

     So even though you can't choose your name, what you look like, or who your family is, you can act the way you want others to perceive you. By becoming attractive on the inside, you are also making yourself look better on the outside as well. 

     The Farrelly Brothers directed a film entitled Shallow Hal in 2001, which does a good job portraying that true beauty is on the inside.
     Hal is a man who at the start of the film is very shallow towards women. He only cares about what's on the outside. One day Hal is put under a spell that makes it so he only sees women according to their personality. The result is rather comical as Hal's friend who still remains shallow is appalled at the types of women Hal starts to date. The fact that Hal's mind viewed a woman as being attractive when physically she in fact was not, demonstrates the point that as we get to know someone, we begin to view them in a better light if they have a good character. The image below shows that even though Gwyneth Paltrow's character was heavy enough to "tip the scale" so to speak on the canoe, Hal still saw her as being a beautiful blond...

Jack Black does not see Gwyneth Paltrow's character as being overweight
as a result of her having a kind heart.

What in the World is Perception Checking?

   Have you ever been in a situation where a friend or family member said something and you had no idea what they meant? Have you ever thought you understood the message someone was trying to get across only to find out later that you were way off the mark? Perception checking is a great way to make sure that you truly "get the message." 

   Three main components make up perception checking. The first step is describing the behavior you noticed. Second, you want to give at least two possible interpretations of the behavior. Finally, you want to request clarification about how to interpret the behavior. More often than not, our first interpretation of what is being communicated is incorrect. When we fail to understand each other, we 

can become frustrated. Frustration in turn can lead us to act out in unusual ways, much like the kangaroo to the left who for some reason found it necessary to display its emotions in an inappropriate manner. The book tells us on page 105 that perception checking "minimizes defensiveness by preserving the other person's face." I felt that the kangaroo demonstrates this point very well. If the photographer and the animal could have understood each other properly, this dispute wouldn't have gotten out of hand.

   In my own personal life, I have often found that understanding people is one of the most difficult tasks we face. It's easy to misunderstand what other people are trying to say. I remember growing up my brother struggled with his speech. He would say sounds that to him had 

a direct meaning, but to the rest of the family sounded like gibberish. I remember he would become aggravated because of this speech barrier. If he would have been older I could have described his behavior, given him two of my interpretations of what I thought it meant, and then requested clarification. This process is very useful in eliminating misunderstanding.

   I plan on using perception checking in my everyday life and hope that this blog will encourage you to do the same. By effectively understanding one another we can become happier and more efficient; we also can avoid some awkward situations like the one "Mr. Whiskers" is experiencing above.

Contagion: Emotions are Spreading!

   

   In 2011, Steven Soderbergh directed a movie entitled Contagion which walks you through essentially what would happen if a global virus swept across the planet. The film portrays a virus that has the potential to kill off the human race. The poster above broadcasts "Nothing spreads like fear." Fear is not the only emotion that can travel. Chapter 4 discusses the concept of an emotional contagion, which is the process by which emotions are transferred from one person to another. Any emotion can travel. If you are happy at work, chances are the people you are working with will begin to cheer up as well. This is a powerful idea because it shows how one person's attitude can affect the lives of an unlimited amount of people. After I thought about this concept for a while I found myself trying to be more positive because I didn't want to drag anyone else down with my negativity.

    "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." This popular household sign is a good example of an emotional contagion. When the mother of the house is in a good mood, everyone is in a better mood. The opposite is true as well. When I'm at my house and my mom is upset about something, everyone in my house is a little on edge. It's a fascinating concept.

Momma ain't happy

   

My Thoughts on Chapter 1: A First Look At

Interpersonal Communication

   The first item we look at in chapter one is why we communicate. The first reason we communicate is because of our physical needs. The book discusses several interesting points regarding this matter. It tells us that people who are socially isolated are four times more likely to catch the common cold. Also, people who form relationships with spouses, friends, religion, or the community statistically live longer. Isolated individuals are two to three times more likely to die prematurely. Other reasons we form relationships include identity needs, social needs, and practical goals. 

   Martin Scorsese created a film in 1976 by the name of Taxi Driver which starred Robert De Niro as a Vietnam War veteran who works as a taxi driver at night. De Niro is mentally unstable and is on his own most of the time. The movie is very powerful and portrays in an extreme context the effects of loneliness on people. At the end of the picture De Niro's character Travis Bickle lashes out against the filth of New York by killing several individuals involved in teenage prostitution. When people are alone a lot their minds get the better of them. It is very difficult to act socially acceptable if you are never around people and therefore have nothing to base your behavior on (a process known as social comparison). Chapter 1 of our textbook on page 8 points out that "...relationships with others are so vital, some theorists have gone as far as to argue that positive relationships may be the single most important source of life satisfaction..." This would than imply that loneliness and isolation are the number one cause of dissatisfaction out of life. 

   The early days of communication resulted in what is called a linear communication model. This involved a sender who would encode a message sending it through a channel to a receiver who would than decode or make sense out of that message. All of this was done while competing with noise or distractions that get in the way of transmitting the message. Later a transactional communication model would come into play that shows how people send and receive messages simultaneously. It also took into account the different environments that affect how people understand others' behavior. 

This model also discusses how we have both external noise (car alarms, cigarette smoke, etc.) and internal noise (physiological and psychological) that play a big part in communicating. For instance, if this little boy was in a crowded room lighting up a cigarette, the smoke might distract us from getting an appropriate understanding of the message. (Than again this image on its own might be enough to distract us.)

   No single person or event causes another's reaction. Every event and conversation we have works towards building our perceptions of life as well as determining how we will act in a certain situation. A few important pieces of information that the book covers and that we discussed in class include the ideas that more communication is not always better. Meanings are not in words, they also come  from the way that we present the message. It is also impossible not to communicate. Actions speak louder than words. This old saying displays that even when we are not verbally speaking, we are definitely still communicating. If someone says something obnoxious we role our eyes. When we are tired we yawn. At any time in the day we are relaying a variety of different messages whether we mean to or not.

   The final key element that I found in Chapter 1 involves mediated communication. Mediated communication involves blogging like what I am doing right now, text messaging, emailing, and using various social media websites like facebook, twitter, and Google plus.

Millions of people today are using these different communication channels to keep in touch with family and friends around the globe. Technological advances are making globalization a reality. It is important for communication professionals to keep up with the times and stay current with mediated communication.

Reflection on Chapter 2: Creating and Presenting Self

   What's the difference between self-concept, and self-esteem? Self concept is who you think you are. Self esteem involves evaluations of your self worth, and is more how you feel about  your self concept. How we feel about ourselves has both biological and social roots. The book describes a person's personality on page 43 as being "characteristic ways that you think and behave across a variety of situations." We all are bothered by different things. I personally dislike slow drivers, rude people, and feet. Obviously I wouldn't be angry at an old 

lady driving in the road like the one presented below, but you get the point.
   We all develop a self-concept that reflects the way we believe others see us. This is known as reflected appraisal, which was illustrated by Charles Cooley using his mirror metaphor. We all also have significant others who play a large role in influencing our personal self-concepts.

   Another interesting point is that we as human beings tend to resist change. The self-concept is no different. When I was younger I always hated moving. I got used to my friends and school and found the idea of starting over to be very stressful. Some of the problems that prevent us from altering our self-concept include: self-delusion and defensiveness. We often choose to refute new information that could help us better our personal self-concept. To change we should try and have a realistic perception of ourselves, keep realistic expectations, and have the will to change.

   

   When I read about how we all strive to construct multiple identities my mind immediately raced to multiple personality disorder. The book describes how in some contexts we are a responsible adult, other times we can act like a helpless child. When I go to church, I dress in my best clothes, put on a watch, wear cologne, and act reverent. When I go to a movie with the guys, I often feel no need to shower, my humor at times develops a sense of vulgarity, and I feel like I can be myself. We all act differently in different situations, and have multiple identities to manage.